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A visit to gran-ma's

I went to see my Gran yesterday.
First time in about 7 months. Terrible I know.
More so as she only lives a 5 minute walk away :-/

Anyway - i'm so glad I decided to go.

She's a fantastically funny old bird and I have to say - i've become quite fond of her over the years.

As young children, we weren't very close to my gran and we saw her very in frequently.. This I now understand to be due largely to my own mother being suck a fuck wit, that she had pushed the family away from us. My sister and I just thought they didn't like us. There were never any christmas cards or pocket money or presents on birthdays.... All our cousins got them, we didn't.

They seemed a whole world away from us.

It's only as i've got older that I realise how important she is.
The matriarch of the family. 4 children, 12 grandkids, 4 great gran kids... and a million other relo's on her own side...

I still do not get on with my own mother, haven't spoken to her for over 13 years now (believe me its easier that way). But my gran is something different.

Although I call her granny - I weirdly still don't feel an intense bond to her if that makes any sense? I almost think of her as a funny old woman who is in somehow my life... but I don't entirely get why. Of course there's the connection and she's my mothers mum, i get that, but in the same way I've never bonded with my mother I feel the same about my gran. But I am very fond of her. I'd totally miss her if she was gone.

This is probably really quite hard for someone who has a 'normal' ish family life to understand.

But the only way I can break it down is like as if there was a broken connection somehow... Still in touch, still in the same area but the connection is not quite fully connected.

Anyway - she cheered me up no end.

She must be in her early 70's - she's a typical Jamaican lady (accent and all) - and when she talks to her friends (this funny british accent emerges that cracks me up)... She had to tell her friend (the pensioner upstairs) that she wasn't going to Bingo today (she goes EVERY DAY btw that's her vice) - she also wanted to show off that her grand daughter had popped in to see her as well.... I was smiling to myself.... thinking where the fuck did that accent come from?

She closes the window and resumes the normal jamaican accent as if nothing had ever happened.

Here's what I love about her:

She's funny and witty.
She has an amazing smile.
She has a lot of friends.
She pulls stupid faces like i do when trying to make her points
She gasps at things, actually gasps - that's pretty fecking funny in my books
She's generous and kind.
She feels pain but keeps quiet about it (sound like anyone you know?)
She likes a good gossip (i'm starting to see where i get it from)
She has AMAZING skin - like AMAZING!!!!! She's concluded her good skin and good health comes from the trees around her and that they breathe new life into her (she may be right!).
She's happy with the small things in life. Me too.

She really made my day.
She made me smile and feel happy inside.

You gotta love that.

I love Charley

It's finally happenned... Yep, the Remstar has finally fallen in Love!
His name is Charley - and he ROCKS!

He suffers with cerebellar hypoplasia and remains a bundle of exquisite joy.


I’ve mentioned this before on another blog I think...
But I do genuinely think I must suffer from some mild form of turrets syndrome.

I swore in a church the other day – whilst talking to a minister....

Fucking Awesome.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Rems Vs Shyness

** I wrote this blog on 10.06.08 on a train ride back from Manchester - where I spent the afternoon with Ruth Badger from the Apprentice - and realised how much of a donut I actually am**

The biggest lesson I’ve learned today is to ask for help when I need it!

Yes, to actually ask!

Whether it’s for money, support, an object... or just a hug.. that unless I ask clearly for what I want, it’s not going to come to me... or it will.. but only after I’ve run a long and convoluted and complicated way around the houses to get to it.

I’m not actually sure if deep down I’m just an idiot..

Or if deep down my shyness, which does exist, is stronger than I ever imagined that it was.

I’ve always known it’s been there... but I’ve fought with it my whole life which is why I probably seem the complete opposite and come across as totally confident. Low and behold should anyone know that i'm 'shy'! To me shyness has always been a weakness. I know that’s not right but it’s how I’ve always seen it.
My closest friends of mine know it’s there in me too.
They’ve seen it and commented on it. But most people who don’t know me that well... would think I am the least shy person they know.

I think my shyness is like what kryptonite is to superman.. Paralysing and a fecking royal pain in the arse.

Ok, maybe not as harsh as kryptonite.. But it’s the one thing that’ll bring me to my knees when it’s crunch time. This includes crunch time at: Basketball, business, relationships... you name it... I think it’s been a major contributory factor to my own lack of success in many areas...

'My own lack of success' doesn't make me a loser - i'm just not as successfull as I had hoped I would be by now.

World domination is a rather large target to meet admittedly.

I’m shy around boys that I like... (but aren't all girls?) - so nothing ever happens because I’m too shy to say what it is I want.

I’m shy in business and don’t ask for what I need when I need it - to make me more successful.

I’m shy about my background and the shit I’ve endured & I remain silent when I know I should speak up and let people know the truth sometimes.

I had another annoying problem for a really long time...
Truthfully it’s still not fully gone away yet... But I’m getting better at it.
The problem was that if I was ever given a compliment - I would always reject it.. with a ‘shut up’ or ‘no I don’t’ or ‘don’t say that’ – until a very wise ex boyfriend of mine told me once what I was doing and calmly said to me... ‘Rem, the next time I give you a compliment all I want you to do is say ‘thank you’ and nothing else. Just accept it. Do you think you can do that?’.

I thought about it. Could I do that? I could do that.
Seems simple enough... Doesn’t it?
I said yes. And ever since I still do it to this day.. When I get a compliment now I always hear his voice in the back of my mind and what he said to me... and a little shy ‘thank you’ squeaks out of my throat.

Occasionally I lapse on this.. like the other day my best friend’s wife said to me as I turned up at the pub ‘Rems you look liked you’ve lost some weight’ and I said ‘Thanks that really sweet of you... but I haven’t! I think I’ve put some on actually’. Man I was kicking myself. I took her kind words and instead of just saying thank you, I pissed all over it like the EEJIT I sometimes I am. It’s all rooted in my shyness – and not wanting to be the centre of attention and not wanting to be noticed and talked about.... Yet I always am. Isn’t that weird?

Back to my shyness – I think it comes from a fear of rejection. I was often told no to things when I was younger. I was let down a lot... I guess that still resonates with me to this day.

I suppose my fear is that I’ll ask for something and I’ll get told ‘No’.
So I’ve learned to just stop asking. Which is bad.

I’ve realised that in business I do actually fart arse about quite a bit.. I talk too much but don’t say what I really want to be saying.... instead of just asking directly: ‘So are you coming to my show or not? If not... why not?’.

Instead I’ll tell you how wonderful it all is and why it’s going to be so good blah blah blah.. Instead of just saying ‘what size stand would you like today sir?’.

It’s the same with boys... Instead of saying ‘Yep, I like you and how about it?’.
I’ll talk about how wonderful I am, how funny I am, what a great cook I’ve become, how I love to travel yadda yadda yadda... but never actually say ‘Yes, I’m interested in you, shall we go out sometime?’ or words to that effect.

I’m 100% pants.

But luckily for me... I know all this and can work to make some necessary changes to these annoying nuances aka flaws that I have... enabling me to become a stronger business woman and a better partner for the poor sod who ends up with me :-)

Game on.

10 kittens.... Cuteness personified

Ridiculously Adorable.