Rems Vs Shyness

** I wrote this blog on 10.06.08 on a train ride back from Manchester - where I spent the afternoon with Ruth Badger from the Apprentice - and realised how much of a donut I actually am**

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The biggest lesson I’ve learned today is to ask for help when I need it!

Yes, to actually ask!

Whether it’s for money, support, an object... or just a hug.. that unless I ask clearly for what I want, it’s not going to come to me... or it will.. but only after I’ve run a long and convoluted and complicated way around the houses to get to it.

I’m not actually sure if deep down I’m just an idiot..

Or if deep down my shyness, which does exist, is stronger than I ever imagined that it was.

I’ve always known it’s been there... but I’ve fought with it my whole life which is why I probably seem the complete opposite and come across as totally confident. Low and behold should anyone know that i'm 'shy'! To me shyness has always been a weakness. I know that’s not right but it’s how I’ve always seen it.
My closest friends of mine know it’s there in me too.
They’ve seen it and commented on it. But most people who don’t know me that well... would think I am the least shy person they know.

I think my shyness is like what kryptonite is to superman.. Paralysing and a fecking royal pain in the arse.

Ok, maybe not as harsh as kryptonite.. But it’s the one thing that’ll bring me to my knees when it’s crunch time. This includes crunch time at: Basketball, business, relationships... you name it... I think it’s been a major contributory factor to my own lack of success in many areas...

'My own lack of success' doesn't make me a loser - i'm just not as successfull as I had hoped I would be by now.

World domination is a rather large target to meet admittedly.

I’m shy around boys that I like... (but aren't all girls?) - so nothing ever happens because I’m too shy to say what it is I want.

I’m shy in business and don’t ask for what I need when I need it - to make me more successful.

I’m shy about my background and the shit I’ve endured & I remain silent when I know I should speak up and let people know the truth sometimes.

I had another annoying problem for a really long time...
Truthfully it’s still not fully gone away yet... But I’m getting better at it.
The problem was that if I was ever given a compliment - I would always reject it.. with a ‘shut up’ or ‘no I don’t’ or ‘don’t say that’ – until a very wise ex boyfriend of mine told me once what I was doing and calmly said to me... ‘Rem, the next time I give you a compliment all I want you to do is say ‘thank you’ and nothing else. Just accept it. Do you think you can do that?’.

I thought about it. Could I do that? I could do that.
Seems simple enough... Doesn’t it?
I said yes. And ever since I still do it to this day.. When I get a compliment now I always hear his voice in the back of my mind and what he said to me... and a little shy ‘thank you’ squeaks out of my throat.

Occasionally I lapse on this.. like the other day my best friend’s wife said to me as I turned up at the pub ‘Rems you look liked you’ve lost some weight’ and I said ‘Thanks that really sweet of you... but I haven’t! I think I’ve put some on actually’. Man I was kicking myself. I took her kind words and instead of just saying thank you, I pissed all over it like the EEJIT I sometimes I am. It’s all rooted in my shyness – and not wanting to be the centre of attention and not wanting to be noticed and talked about.... Yet I always am. Isn’t that weird?

Back to my shyness – I think it comes from a fear of rejection. I was often told no to things when I was younger. I was let down a lot... I guess that still resonates with me to this day.

I suppose my fear is that I’ll ask for something and I’ll get told ‘No’.
So I’ve learned to just stop asking. Which is bad.

I’ve realised that in business I do actually fart arse about quite a bit.. I talk too much but don’t say what I really want to be saying.... instead of just asking directly: ‘So are you coming to my show or not? If not... why not?’.

Instead I’ll tell you how wonderful it all is and why it’s going to be so good blah blah blah.. Instead of just saying ‘what size stand would you like today sir?’.

It’s the same with boys... Instead of saying ‘Yep, I like you and how about it?’.
I’ll talk about how wonderful I am, how funny I am, what a great cook I’ve become, how I love to travel yadda yadda yadda... but never actually say ‘Yes, I’m interested in you, shall we go out sometime?’ or words to that effect.

I’m 100% pants.

But luckily for me... I know all this and can work to make some necessary changes to these annoying nuances aka flaws that I have... enabling me to become a stronger business woman and a better partner for the poor sod who ends up with me :-)

Game on.